The Anatomy of the Apocalypse
David Laskowski

The first person to represent, effectively, the intricate innards of the Malfeasance — an amalgam of muscles, tissues, and what are often called feelings — was the physician and medium rare, Ignatius Revelation, who, despite the imminent collapse of civilization, managed to compose what has become the standard text for all working fatalists, I Knew It Would End Like This. What the book makes clear is that thoroughly incompetent at most everything except its own annihilation, the Malfeasance moves fluidly due to its incredulous lack of self-consciousness, a result of its obsession with its own creative abilities, a manifestation of its need to “sow its seeds,” i.e. “a sower went out to sow his seeds…” This desire to sow its seeds, Revelation writes, is a direct result of the Malfeasance’s lust for power, an interior malformation of the forebrain’s Nixon, a heavy shadow of a lesion in the shape of a giant lemon on the brain’s lower forty that by the eighty devolves into a particularly virulent strain of Reagan, an abnormally sized mythos that places pressure on the prima-facie. As a result, the seeds sown form the Malfeasance’s primary nougat – the soft, chewy center of the judgment priority that consists, primarily, of the spires hanging from the cross-vertical vertebrate synopsis, synopses most responsible for the synaptic trumpeting of the royal revelation. In other words, the shock implicit in the Acts of the “apostles,” a loosely knit group of lambs to the slaughter, is a result of the distance between the fibrous scales, an offshoot of the previously mythical aberration of the golden lamp-stands in the Malfeasance’s initiate parlor. Suffice it to say, it will not be long.

Revelation managed what no other internist had been able to—including Drs. Epiphany and Epigone—to describe, in detail, just how the apocalypse works within the Malfeasance. That he had been able to do this came as shock, specifically, to the electricians who had been working on Revelation’s wiring since, as most common laborers knew, Revelation was, at best, a minor fifth, stuck somewhere between the ebony and the ivory. The apocalypse, Revelation writes, approaches what Revelation calls the Malfeasance’s sense of propriety through the apostle’s-consternation, a twelve-fold frustration directly sanctioned to the weeping Jesus, an idol whose fibro-spinal ganglia is like a double-edged sword, Revelation notes, that had medial phalanges like a series of spiraling stars, that, literally, “hold the keys” to the Hades-horn at the lower phenomenal promontory. It is here, at the opposite end of the Hades-horn, where the holy throne, its shoots resembling jasper and carnelian, or whatever those are, flushes its royal personage.

The intricacies of Revelation’s marmoreal obfuscations are most likely why Revelation, or so claims Revelation’s revelatory son, Ron, never received credit for his work. “My father could never,” Revelation writes in his newly minted chocolate, Revolution with an E and an A, “rise above his own mind, forever trapped, like a monk, in the monastery of his own frock.” That Revelation was attempting to write a book of poems matters little since Revelation’s Revolution manages, often in sonnets, to express the infertility of his father’s mind.

However, even though Revelation did not receive popular acclaim for his work, he did receive respect from several other dangerous malcontents in his meadow. For example, Prof. Holler Beck of b-a-n-a-n-a-s, a scurrilous think tank in Gwen Mountain, Stephan, relied heavily on Revelation’s anatomical persuasions for his popular single, End Times. Specifically, Beck utilized what he saw as Revelation’s right-wing ideology, essentially, to illustrate the necessity of limiting the size of government. “Revelation’s work on the apocalypse showed me,” Beck writes, “the reality of defining parameters in regards to how the Malfeasance moves in the global hole, the giant cavity left by what once was a thriving orb of plants and animals. It was through Revelation that I discovered that I lacked the fourfold conscience – the four quartz-like reflectors resembling a lion, ox, eagle and something called ‘man,’ that thing that scientists have been unable to identify in both description and purpose.”

In other words, Beck concluded, this “man” seems not only useless, but also silly, a conclusion eminent theologian and podiatrist Dr. Blood Of-the-Lamb also reached. Lamb, like Beck, believes scientists have been unable to identify “man” because “there exists,” writes Lamb in his book, F is for Follow and That is Good Enough for Me, “so few examples of man. Because they are so few examples, we, meaning scientists, have been unable to study them. All we have been able to do is buy them lunch and hope for the best.” In contrast, Revelation believes he knows this “man,” who Revelation describes as about six feet, lanky, and with shock of red hair, red like the fires of hell.” Although Lamb thinks Revelation is describing Satan, Revelation does not really see a difference.

Yet, apparently, both Lamb and Revelation are not familiar with the work of Lamb’s father, a bloodlessly morose quack of a duck whose work with man was the reason for man in the first place. In his book, Genesis, Lamb’s father outlines the fundamental nature of man with a crayon and tracing paper. “Man,” he thunders, “is what we can see – the waxy effulgence of an invisible soul that is the direct product of another infinitely recessive, although similarly shallow, soul. My duty, my goal, is to try to thicken this invisibility, to give weight to what, I know, I think, I can not give weight to.” This was, at least, what philosophers thought since Lamb’s father wrote in a language unreadable by anyone but Lamb’s father. In addition, since Lamb, as well as Lamb’s father, does not exist, what they say does not either.

Man aside, Revelation’s work was important not only for Beck, but for trained monkey Greed Privy, a slack-jawed mammalian who, many claim, is the forerunner of the Malfeasance, although no one knows for sure since all the film has been lost. According to Privy, without Revelation’s work on the Malfeasance, no one would have known that the coming brimstone was entirely the Malfeasance’s fault. “Although Reason does share a portion of the blame, it is hard to argue that the Malfeasance is not the primary cause of the acid dragons, especially since, as Revelation discovered, the heart of the Malfeasance is that significantly amorphous outcropping of blustery thorns radiating in a barbed spiral in the Malfeasance’s soul.”

Although Privy may be completely correct in placing blame on the Malfeasance, to the Malfeasance’s credit, as Revelation himself would insist, it shows great persistence in spite of the “abyss that, literally, grows out of its preconceptions, the same preconceptions that are responsible for the initial apocalypse to begin with.” The abyss, as defined by Revelation, consists, primarily, of a giant gaping hole in its center mass, like the cancer that has been eating away at its sense of decency for years, and thus forming “the ordinate in the inordinate want – the feeding trough that vertically intersects the salivating bile ducts at the ends of the decency quanta.” According to Revelation, the inordinate want, serving as cause and effect, functions, primarily, to orchestrate the complex maneuvering of the ethical clause, the fine print at the bottom of the abyss. This is useful for the abyss since it allows the abyss to act immorally despite the size of the four horses that surround it.

Yet, according to Revelation, despite the several large strides made by the long-legged revelatory horses that surround the abyss, the Malfeasance still ignores a great and serious prophecy capable of diminishing the magnitude of the Malfeasance. In other words, the Malfeasance, despite its oily face and pitchy voice has the capacity to halt what scientists once thought as intrinsic to the Malfeasance – the complete collapse of all cable television channels into one channel. This, of course, would prove nothing short of disastrous to the Malfeasance’s sense of variety, even though it might, according to scientists without a television, “save the Malfeasance from its own malfeasance.” Specifically, the Malfeasance, according to Prof. Johnny Come Lately at Coleman College in Underworld, Illinois, “appears as if it desires its own apocalypse. In other words, it appears as if it wants nothing more than to die in a fiery broth of spicy demon and bitter whore.”

Unfortunately, despite his heroic attempts, and the work of Revelation, Come Lately has been unable to discover the Malfeasance’s purpose. In other words, it appears, according to an interview with the Malfeasance published in The Fat Lady Sings, a weekly periodical whose future is uncertain, as if nothing drives it other then boredom with “the universe in general.” It is hard to argue with the Malfeasance’s boredom especially considering how boring the universe is. After all, what scientists, in particular, can be sure of is that the universe is an incredibly boring place filled not only with incredibly boring stars, galaxies, and planets, but also with incredibly boring black holes, dark matter, and people, even though, one astronaut said, “you think people are bad, wait until you get a load of aliens.”

Building on the work of Revelation, Come-Lately is certain the purpose lies within the stomach of the Malfeasance since the stomach contains the “little scroll,” an obnoxiously tiny dictum sent direct from the descending angel, a fibrous neuro-spinal philatelist responsible for clouds and harps. In addition, according to the measuring rod that extends from the stomach upward and out through between St. Peter’s teeth, the stomach is approximately thirty cubits by thirty cubits, thus resulting in a frenzy of apocalyptic fervor. It, in fact, was this high fervor that led Come-Lately to deduce that an infection had “spread within the Malfeasance like a swarm of locusts.” Yet, even though Come-Lately believes scientists will eventually find the little scroll, he is not exactly sure what they will do with it when they find it. In other words, “it has been shown by various secondary angels that the purpose most likely related to the little scroll is nothing more than an end-run around the end.” This resistance to the end is especially obvious to those still at the beginning.

The philosopher Rife Early, in direct contrast to Come-Lately, as well as Hue and Tint, believe scientists are wasting their time looking for the little scroll since “whether or not the little scroll will tell us the meaning of life is of little difference considering the dragon.” That the red dragon, previously thought to reside within the Malfeasance’s spleen, has manifested above New York, has come as a great surprise to not only philosophers, who did not know what the spleen was, and to scientists, who believed the spleen was useless, but also to poets, who thought the spleen was only a metaphor. “It’s an organ, really!” they exclaimed when told by scientists. “Will similes never cease?” “What matters now,” insists Early, “is the healthy, wealthy, and wise, for only they can save us.”

Panic aside, Early has a point. Components of the Malfeasance matter little in the overall scheme of the Malfeasance, which, many argue, is to bilk future generations out of their inheritance. In other words, most significant about Revelation’s work is that it illustrates not the Malfeasance’s purpose as much as it pinpoints its purposelessness, a small gunny sacked in the Malfeasance’s nether rally just south of the naval-dioxin. Specifically, Revelation found what drives the Malfeasance – the desire for, among other things, two points over prime and one under par, assuming, of course, three is not, at least overtly, busy.

How Revelation was able to come to such a lucrative conclusion is unclear, although many of Revelation’s fellow necromancers believe it was because Revelation began with the beginning and muddled through the middle before reaching his end. However, such nonlinear thinkers disagree with this, citing years out of order, and thus claiming Jesus is still alive and living in Las Vegas with a showgirl named Mary. Still others argue Revelation was ahead of his time, always early, and with donuts. For example, Revelation’s partner when Revelation worked at Apocalyptic Books in Baptist, Kansas, Gabriel Daniels, believes Revelation was “a destroyer of cities,” a reference, most likely, to Revelation’s fondness for fire and brimstone.

Suffice it to say, no matter how Revelation managed to discover the essential nature of the Malfeasance, it is clear that the Malfeasance’s time on the earth is almost over, which, in many ways, makes Revelation’s revelatory diagramming of the Malfeasance’s inner workings not only ridiculous, but also ridiculous. However, Revelation, like the Malfeasance, should not be too hard on himself since he was, according to Revelation’s wife, Babylon, “simply doing what he knew how to do, which was to totally ruin our vacation.”

David Laskowski lives in Madison, WI and teaches at Edgewood College.