Sire Lines of America — Adam Peterson the 7th
Adam Peterson

Adam Peterson founded the Library of Congress. Of course, there already was a Library of Congress, but Adam Peterson took an Introduction to America class in college and got ideas about free market economies and the value of competition. When there weren’t any books, Adam Peterson went looking for turtles because they’re the most book-like of American amphibians. If he’d had a book, he would have known turtles were reptiles. All the turtles he found went inside a room inside a large, metal warehouse on the windblown outskirts of America. When he had all the turtles, Adam Peterson arranged them alphabetically on the shelves, but they wouldn’t really stay in that order. After that he collected leafs, the most page like of American tree byproducts, and ponds, the most drinking fountain-like of American water bodies. He threw the leafs and the ponds on the ground and the turtles jumped from their shelves into them. Then he collected all the wind, the most page flippingest of American weather conditions, and most of the sun, the most reading lamp-like of solar objects, but still he wouldn’t let anyone in. It’s my room, he claimed, and it isn’t finished. Instead he placed billboards and handed out pamphlets advertising the new Library of Congress, but when the people showed up he wouldn’t let past the gift shop. Nor would he let them out of the gift shop. When Adam Peterson was an old man, he didn’t really see the point anymore, so he opened his Library to all the people who had been living out of White House-shaped coffee mugs, the most coffee mug-like of all American monuments. Admission to the Library of Congress was one penny cheaper than it was to the real Library of Congress so Adam Peterson handed everyone a penny and preemptively shooshed them. He waited weeks, but nobody came back out into the gift shop. When Adam Peterson got lonely and went to check, everyone was gone and the pond was full of wishpennies.

Adam Peterson’s bio may be found with the “5th” piece in this collection, also published in this issue.