The Singles Profile
Chris Garson

It’s not that I’m trying to be difficult about this. It’s just that I would not recommend that anyone else involve themselves with me in any way. There are no benefits to involvement with me, and tremendous potential for disastrous consequences. I would discourage any sense of passing interest and caution against further investigation of this matter.

The question of my ethnicity. I can settle this for you definitively: I’m white. This is about where I lose the thread, veering toward largely purposeless states of liquid delirium in which any progress might have to be described as careening, with no clear end. I don’t want to discuss my height (I’m 1.73m.). On the other hand, it would be a pleasure to discuss my body type. The type of body I have. What kind it is. I guess I would have to say it’s average. It’s an average body type. The kind that I have. In terms of diet, you know, like I say, I grow weary in a hurry, all right? Is that okay? I honestly do not mean to offend anyone, but it brings me down, this fielding of questions, and I react, and I do this without knowing why I’m behaving as I seem to be. Who gives a flat fuck what I eat. I could extend the logic of this line of questioning and discuss what the food I eat looks like, or maybe how it looks when I stop chewing it and some of it slips from my mouth.

What else can I do for you.

Yes, smokes when drinking, and drinks often and with regularity. Though I would say not often enough. My religious views are held with such depth and conviction that my goal is to impose them upon all others. I was born under a bad sign. Aha! Yes, that’s right: were it not for bad luck…. Were it not for this clear and intelligible confluence of factors….

Delete, delete.

It seems possible that I have an online personality disorder. I would hope to create a profile such that I myself would find it incredibly attractive if I were somebody looking through profiles, which—no.

What am I doing with my life.

It’s more like what my life is doing with me. My life is having its way with me in a most unsavory manner, putting on quite a little display. My life is busy with its own set of concerns and often seems callous and insensitive to me and my needs. My life is taking a phone call in some nether wing of an unremarkable corporate environment and is currently unavailable. Sometimes my life is like an asshole at the bar who keeps bothering me with stupid questions. I would like for my life to leave me alone for a while. I would kind of like that, to see what it’s like.

The first things people usually notice about me….

Pretty sure that the people who avert their eyes and nod as they pass are noticing all the positive energy that I tend to emanate.

The six things I could never do without….

I guess one would have to be Mr. C. from Happy Days. Because he had that permanently dilapidated smile that said, I have lost all feeling in the lower half of my body, and he nailed that look so expertly that it entered the deep-seat mass-cult sense of his era: the whole iconography. So that right there is impressive, I guess.

That leaves things number two through six, but I think we can all agree that one is more than enough in this case.

I spend a lot of time thinking about…

The identity of the animal-character that I would inhabit if I were in a Hanna-Barbera cartoon.

On a typical Friday night I am…


You should message me if…

There are really no conditions under which messaging me would be advisable, but I’ll answer like this:

If you’re experiencing pain and duress ranging anywhere from moderate to severe. If you’ve first exhausted all other avenues of possible relief.

Chris Garson lived in Iowa City and worked in the testing industry. He wrote songs, fictions, comics, poems and prose without genre. “The Singles Profile” is the first of his pieces to see publication.